My wife and I celebrated our twenty-first anniversary in late November this year. As I reflect, I continue to thank God for his faithfulness in our lives. I wouldn’t want to say that it has been a bed of roses either. Without God’s intervention, there have been challenges that we would not have made it this far. But all in all, I would firmly attest to the goodness of God for the success of our marriage. In the community I come from, no one would imagine we would have made it this far.
When I was preparing to marry, I had to continue asking God not to fall into what would haunt me in my lifetime. I know it was vital that I leaned on prayer for God’s will to prevail. I always asked God to guide me to the right partner in life. I had choices to make from the different partners I met as it would take some time, for instance, understanding our backgrounds.
Most partners would reject my request because I had decided that I would serve as a pastor. It wasn’t easy to imagine how financially stable it would be to manage a family as most pastors had minimal pay or volunteer to serve. In every way, as it would come out, preparing to marry was also like preparing to take risks for unknown future uncertainties.
Putting God first is crucial in this process. When I was finally settling for the right partner, it was clear to me as I heard from God in his still small voice that he was together with me in all that I was planning. There was a lot of discouragement that I almost gave up, but I continued to get assurance, especially from God’s communication. Being careful with which voice you listen to is very vital. If you are sure what you are doing is right and God is with you, never give up.
My wife and I had decided to start living together as we thought we couldn’t meet the costs of the wedding ceremony. Doing this was against the laid down condition that one had to have a church wedding before one graduated as a theological student and even serve in ministry. One thing that I felt was difficult for me was asking people for help to have a wedding ceremony. It is a trend that continues up to date. At times it is challenging to meet the costs for the wedding ceremony. I had met those who would brag and say that without them, then some people would not have gotten married, which to me I felt was not then the right path to follow.
I was given conditions that I would not even be granted permission to graduate and serve in ministry. I was to pay dowry and carter for the costs for the wedding ceremony, which included paying the marriage officiator. I had only two weeks to do this, and it was out of my reach. As it was, everything seemed to be falling apart. However, God intervened. It turned out that the conditions were met. Beating the deadline was another great sign that proved what I had heard from God that he was with me in all that I was doing.
It was an excellent lesson for me and even for the many I have shared the story with. In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he urges that “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God (2 Cor. 1: 3-4).”
The willingness and the understanding of both my parents-in-law and my parents made it possible for me to have a wedding ceremony. At least, in the end, we ended up having a less costly wedding ceremony that became foundational in having a stable beginning. It has always been a point of reference in the premarital counseling sessions I have had with couples preparing to marry. While serving as a pastor, I have helped many have less costly wedding ceremonies, especially those who had never thought they could have one.
Many things are happening that are so discouraging to those who are looking forward to marrying. Even most of those in marriage are living regrettable lives because of the choices made. Marriage is a lifetime choice. I see it as a calling because even being single can be a calling too. So those preparing for marriage must be very careful. In the contemporary world, many challenges threaten the marriage institution. I do not say this to scare those yet to marry, but it can also be the best decision.
I guess we hear stories that keep our mouths wide open. For instance, we hear about online marriages where partners meet virtually on social media and at times without proper background checks decide to get married. People are conning or cheating others in the name of marriage. In one of the Kenyan daily newspapers, there is a story about someone who fell into a scam and was conned a good amount of money.1 Even beautiful weddings have ended up at times being meaningless. There is also a lot of domestic violence and divorces happening every other day, which is disturbing.
It is a growing concern that those training for ministry and serving in ministry have to take note and be at the forefront in helping out. For instance, it is becoming burdensome for many youths to get into marriage because of the costs incurred. Many would instead choose to stay single because it is too expensive to marry. The most important thing is for God’s will to happen when preparing for marriage by minimizing costs.
I once met a youth who approached me for help in raising funds for a wedding ceremony. When I asked the amount raised, I advised that the amount was already enough. It did not go so well because the youth wanted to have an expensive wedding ceremony which was out of reach. It is not wrong to have the most expensive wedding ceremony, but it is good to remember that there is life after the ceremony. Not only that, for instance, those intending to marry may want to choose not to spend too much but instead, help the needy.
As a reminder in the Gospel of Matthew, it states,
Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.’ (Mat. 25:37-40).
There are cases where couples languish in debts because of the loan incurred at the wedding ceremony. Before deciding what to spend on the wedding ceremony, it can be beneficial to think about the future. It is also questionable that instead of the church being of help at times makes marrying become burdensome. Conceptualization of how the wedding ceremony is done in the church can be out of reach to many. There is a need, therefore, to change the way weddings should happen.
The Scripture notes that he who finds a wife/[husband] finds a good thing Prov.18: 22. As relayed here, it may mean the husband goes out to seek a wife, although there is the likeliness of a wife seeking a husband in the contemporary world and in some cultures. In either way, it is expected that when you settle for one whom you will be married to or you will marry, that is a good thing, and you find favor in the eyes of God. So, thinking about and preparing to marry is vital.
The story presented in Genesis 24 resonates well with a blueprint that might help get insights for preparing for marriage. The type of marriage narrated in the chapter could be termed as an abomination in my culture. Marrying from the same kindred such as in Isaacs’s case would be considered incest. However, there are lessons to learn that can be helpful, especially for theological students and those preparing to serve in ministry. This chapter can be a great source of wisdom in premarital counseling. Also, it can be helpful to those planning to marry.
At the onset, it is essential to note that walking with God in life is vital in all that one plans to do. God is the source of life that human beings and every creature depend on to be alive. What this means is that without God, then there is no life. Choosing to walk with God is choosing life while choosing the opposite is choosing death. In Dt 30:19c-20a, b, it is recorded, “Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days.”
In walking with God, it requires seeking the Kingdom of God and his righteousness; it is noted in the Gospel of Matthew 6:33, “But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well (6:33). A prerequisite in getting what you want from God is seeking the Kingdom of God and his righteousness. At times we do not get what we want because of asking with the wrong intention. As stated in James 4:3, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, in order to spend what you get on your pleasures.”
Abraham is a great example of one who was seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. Later he is referred to as the father of faith, Roman 4:16-17,
For this reason, it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his descendants, not only to the adherents of the law but also to those who share the faith of Abraham (for he is the father of all of us, as it is written, “I have made you the father of many nations”)—in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.
He is also referred to as a friend of God. James 2:23, “Thus the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was reckoned to him as righteousness,” and he was called the friend of God.” Having faith in God ultimately makes one a friend of God, and that only can be a springing board to more extraordinary exploits in life.
Abraham struggled to live up to the faith that he practiced. Still, he had such extraordinary boldness and courage that embodied his experience of faith in God—for instance, going to unknown land Gen. 12: 1, and sacrificing his only son Gen 22.1ff. We also see the life of Abraham marred with shortcomings that without God’s mercy, it would not have been easy for him, like giving birth out of wedlock Gen. 16: 1ff and lying Gen. 12: 10 -13. At some point, we might not be any different from Abraham’s experiences.
Walking with God makes one succeed in life. Numerous examples in Scripture illustrate that walking with God is necessary for succeeding in life, including preparing for marriage Gen (24:40). It requires obedience to God’s commands, which is not an easy task. In walking with God, it is to be open to his guidance. For instance, we see God guiding Abraham, through speaking directly Gen 12;1, through angels’ v.8, using signs, and even in praying as the servant did at the well of water v 12-14. It is what leads to God’s will to prevail in our lives, as exemplified in this marriage.
Letting the will of God prevail in our lives can be challenging. It needs one to learn to listen to God, but this can be an upheaval task with the much noise we have. It isn’t easy to imagine how it eventually worked out for this marriage to take place. It only needs hearing and trusting the Word of God in Scripture. For instance, having mediators in the contemporary world to bring a marriage to happen can be difficult. At times there is a need to be careful in applying this Scripture in our context.
There is also a need to analyze the role of the woman and the man in the marriage process. I recently met a young man who was not at peace because a lady was being forced to marry him, yet he did not know much about her. In this narrative, even in focusing on walking with God, it is vital to get to know the background of each other before the marriage takes place.
It is disturbing, for instance, Rebecca is going to a man he never met, but because of God’s plan, one gets at rest with the narrative. At times this might not be applicable in the contemporary world. Men should always pray for God’s guidance as they seek the right partner by themselves but not through mediators. And women should be prayerful to be open so that when approached, they are keen on God’s voice in getting the right partner.
I feel Rebecca was open to God’s voice, for she never hesitated. Otherwise, it is easy to miss such opportunities in not being keen on God’s voice. One can miss opportunities in life, too, if you are not sensitive to God’s voice, which means walking with God is vital as it brings success and includes obeying his commands, heeding his guidance, and listening to his voice. Being faithful to each other in preparing for marriage as it happened in Isaac’s marriage is critical.
It is also good to remember that parents’ or guardians’ involvement in the preparations for marriage is quite challenging in the contemporary world. It is not the same as it was in the case of Abraham. It could be different in other cultures, but, in many cases, there is always a setback if the parents or guardians from both sides are not involved in the preparation of marriage; as I noted, the involvement of parents gave a solid background for our marriage.
All in all, in preparing for marriage it is important to keep in mind that walking with God is foundational. It involves listening and being obedient to the promptings of the Spirit. God is always ready to speak to every situation that we face in our life including preparing for marriage.
May God guide and help all those who are preparing for marriage.
- Saturday Nation newspaper magazine pg 6-7, March 2, 2019.
- All biblical references are to the New Revised Standard Version.
Oscar Lugusa Malande is a member of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) Vihiga Yearly Meeting in Kenya and holds a Master of Arts in Religion and Certificate in Entrepreneurial Ministry from Earlham School of Religion. He is a doctoral student at the University of Birmingham, Woodbrooke Quaker Study Centre. Oscar currently teaches at Friends Theological College Kaimosi in Kenya. Oscar is married to Zipporah Adema Mileha and they are blessed with four children, two girls, Axtel Imali and Georgia Muhonja, and two boys, Samuel Malande and Jay Riggs Mulindi.