The coming of the new year, from New Year’s Eve throughout the entire month of January, is always a challenging time for me which requires taking some extra time for contemplation and grounding. As someone who grew up in a fundamentalist and apocalyptic tradition, the end of each year often felt like a time where the veil between life as I knew it and the coming Day of Judgment felt very thin. Although the Bible teaches that “No one knows the day or the hour, not the angels in heaven nor the Son, but only the Father knows,”1 I remember hearing when I was growing up that the world would certainly be ending by the end of 2016. I felt a great deal of anxiety around preparing for the coming judgment and experienced each year leading up to 2016 as a clock ticking down in which any day and any year might be the last I would experience on earth. The combination of religious teaching that more often focused on rules and God’s wrath as well as the need for repentance alongside my struggles with mental illness (I am now diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and clinical depression) was incredibly toxic. I felt consumed by guilt and anxiety about sin and salvation, especially as I also began to wrestle with my identity as a Queer person. I felt that I constantly needed to be confessing and that any kind of doubt or mistake carried with it eternal consequences.
When midnight of January 1, 2017, came and went, I realized that I was in completely uncharted territory. While I had been struggling with questions of whether my spiritual life was healthy and I felt myself longing for permission to relax and focus on God’s love throughout the past year, that night was a turning point for me. The world was supposed to have ended, the Rapture was supposed to have occurred, trumpets were supposed to have sounded and judgment been doled out, and although 2016 was certainly a challenging year, the world was carrying on. In that moment, as my friends celebrated the New Year and played video games around me as if nothing was wrong and the end of the world hadn’t come and gone without event, I knew that the foundation of my faith and the way I lived day to day had to change. The God I had been taught about, the one who was coming back with fire and fury by the end of 2016 had not arrived. This thought was both terrifying and incredibly freeing. Terrifying because what I thought I knew about life and God had been shown in a very real way to be false; I found myself feeling completely untethered from the religion that had been a central part of my entire life. At the same time, it was freeing because I realized that maybe if God had not come back in the way I had been told he would, then there was hope for a new way of being in relationship with God and with myself- an opportunity to be free from the anxiety of the ticking clock and perhaps an opportunity to feel God’s love and not just God’s wrath. Although my journey towards a new model of faith did not begin that night, 2017 marked the point where I felt I could permit myself to live for the future and not for the end.
The start of every new year since then has come with varying emotions. It’s been five years since 2016 ended and we stepped into 2017. Some years I have had panic attacks as I fall back into the fear and anxiety that says God is angry with me and I will never be acceptable to him. Some years I can celebrate and focus on the people around me. Some years I have nightmares about going to hell. Healing is not linear, and I often experience both negative and positive feelings around the arrival of a new year at the same time. My faith has shifted and evolved a lot in the past 6 years. I have continued along the long journey of shifting my views of God and Christianity away from one focused on end times and judgment and towards a view of a loving God who is not eagerly awaiting his chance to punish us but rather is focused on justice and compassion for creation. This shift has not occurred all at once but has been a long journey of unlearning, relearning, and discovering new ways of being in relationship with God and myself. Since my old tools for engaging with spirituality were so closely tied with the teachings and thought patterns that led to the toxic cycle of anxiety, self-hatred, and repentance that I experienced before, I have had to be very intentional about seeking tools that create a sense of peace, space, and compassion. This is why contemplative prayer has become so important to me, especially in times that I experience as triggering, reminding me of points in my life where I was less gentle to myself and tempting me to experience God as an abusive parent rather than the Prince of Peace.
One of the spiritual practices that I often turn to as the new year begins is St. Ignatius Loyola’s Examen. This opportunity for structured, daily contemplative prayer, which I have often combined with journaling, allows me to take a few moments at the end of the day for grounding myself and reflecting on both the day that has passed and the one to come. It has also provided me with a framework for looking at my life and relationship to the Divine in a new way. This prayer prompts me to look at my life as a compassionate, loving God would look at it and reminds me to see the Light of God in the movement of people and events through my daily life. In times where I have maintained this practice regularly and journaled it, it has also provided an account that I can use to reflect on the past year overall. Having this compilation of experiences of Divine presence and leading in my life over the previous year has helped give me courage and confidence to look forward into the next year and think about where I am being led to take action or to grow further.
The Examen is a template for prayer which has its roots in the Jesuit Order of the Catholic Church which is based in Ignatian Spirituality. The foundation of this form of Christian spirituality is the idea that we should be contemplatives in action, aware of God’s presence in our day-to-day lives, and taking action based on God’s leading through that presence. The Examen is “an examination of consciousness- when was I conscious of God’s love and presence and when was I not?”2 I first became introduced to this concept of the Examen through a Quaker minister and mentor of mine who suggested praying the Examen as a way to connect to God, yourself, and to look for “that of God in everyone”3 which George Fox referred to and is one of the foundational tenets of Quakerism. This focus on searching for the Light of God in everyone including myself through daily reflection is a counter to the impulse I have towards judgment and anxiety, allowing for space to improve while also taking time to recognize the joy and light already present.
There are 5 basic steps to the Examen (this is why it is also referred to as “the five finger examen”4): Thankfulness, Centering, Reflection, Response, and a Look Ahead. You may see other names for each of these steps elsewhere or you may choose to rename them to something clearer to you or more in tune with your experience and understanding of these concepts in your life. The Examen is a spiritual tool that can be adapted and used according to God’s leading in your own life.
- Thankfulness. I begin this time by taking a moment to be thankful for the gift of life and of another day in the world. I ask myself, what am I most grateful for today? Whether that’s something overall and big picture or something small from the events of that day, I take a moment to feel gratitude for whatever I am grateful for that evening and to direct that gratitude towards God.
- Centering. While many in the Ignatian tradition refer to this step as petition,5 a moment of asking God to be present with you, I draw from the Quaker practice of centering in this step. Before I undertake the reflection and review of my day, I take a moment of silence to settle into the presence of God and remind myself that the goal of this process is to learn to see myself and my life with the eyes of God. I use this moment to focus on my intentions of knowing God, seeing Divine presence in my life, and looking at myself and those in my life with compassion.
- Reflection. With this time, I reflect on the events of the day. Looking at what I did and who I interacted with, I try to take a highs and lows approach to the day. I look to find things that gave me joy, the highs of the day, and what was challenging, troubling, or difficult that day, the lows. In these moments of reflection, I try to pay attention to the little things like what I ate, what types of work or activities I engaged in, who I saw that day, what things I have seen going on in the world. Along with noticing those details, part of the goal of reflecting on the day is to recognize my emotions- one of Ignatius’ teachings was that God’s presence is found in the moments of our emotions, particularly noticing the “spirit of consolation” as the presence of God and a “spirit of desolation” as the feeling of absence of the Divine.6 When I think about my day, I try to reflect on it with this framework in mind, recognizing where I felt God’s presence and noticing when I did not feel it.
- Response. Having taken the time to reflect on the day, what happened and how I felt about it, it is time to go deeper into seeing God’s movement and light in it. At this step, it is time to check in about how I can respond to these leadings of presence. What are the implications or patterns present in those moments of feeling God’s presence or absence? Were there ways that I was drawn closer or further from the Divine presence in my life? Was there one moment or feature of the day that drew my attention? If so, is this something I need to lean into or let go of? These questions are what help me to step into the role of contemplative in action, as I begin thinking about what it means to live in the light of what God is showing me about myself and my life.
- Look Ahead. Finally, I take some time to think about the potential applications of my reflections and responses to the day. I notice what my feelings and approach to the coming day are so that I can either reframe my expectations or embrace them. This allows me to think about what I would like to do differently in the coming days without unduly shaming myself or placing a lot of burden on myself. This is also an opportunity for me to think about where I would like to see God’s further leading in my life so that I can pay attention to those moments as well. This is a moment for me to sit in a spirit of prayer for hope, guidance, and embracing the future rather than being fearful.
Usually, I enter this practice in the evening right before bed, sometimes journaling my responses to the prompts, sometimes going over them in my head according to my energy and leading at the time. At the end of the year/beginning of the new year, I also like to adapt this prayer to give a conscious examination of the previous year and my overall sense and feelings from the year. Often I will reflect on past journals, notes, or any previous New Year’s Resolutions to refresh my memory and think about where I wanted to go in the year and where I have come. This practice has been incredibly healing for me as I have been trying to learn what to do with the time that has been (unexpectedly) given to me.
This practice and shifted world view also help me to focus on what I can do to make life better for all of us who live on this planet and for those who will come after I am gone. Now that I can see the world as something that will continue into a future that I may only be here for part of but that will go on nonetheless, I can recognize the need for sustainability and long-term solutions that go beyond the present moment. Often in my time of reflection, I find that the things I am concerned about and the things I want to look forward into the future are issues not just of personal sin and repentance, but issues of justice, equality, and sustainability for all. Making space to reflect helps me understand the ways that I can make a difference and the places I can use my gifts to build a better world.
The Examen has also helped me learn to view life as something sacred, not just a stop along the way to eternal judgment. Consistently practicing this form of prayer over a longer period of time has helped me learn how to recognize that God is in moments of peace and stillness, joy and laughter, and that moments of guilt and anxiety are, more often than not, not the feelings that are drawing me closer to God. It is ok that I have these feelings and these struggles, but I no longer frame them as being central to my walk with God in the way that I did when I was focused on end times and judgment. It has also become a coping skill for my mental health. Depression and OCD can often make the discouraging or painful things in life feel all-consuming, and this practice helps me to recognize those feelings while also acknowledging that they are not the sum and total of it. Having a reliable spiritual practice that asks me to engage with my emotions and daily activities in a methodical way allows me to separate out harmful thoughts that are magnified by my mental illnesses. This reflection, particularly the act of finding positives and moments of Divine presence each day, has been an important tool for me on my journey of learning to view life as sacred. If every day has at least one sacred thing, is that not an indicator that every day is sacred?
Kharis Murphy (they/them) graduated with a BA in Peace and Global Studies from Earlham College in 2020. Kharis is a Quaker who has been grateful for the opportunity to learn more about the Church of the Brethren both through attending events at Bethany Seminary and working at On Earth Peace. After completing a full year as the Stop Recruiting Kids Organizer, Kharis was thrilled to take the next step with OEP by taking on the role of Communications Fellow. Some of the issues Kharis is passionate about include anti-militarization, decolonization, food justice, and ensuring that religion and spirituality are used as tools for justice rather than oppression. Outside of work, Kharis can be found researching native plants of the southwest, feeding geese at the park, and listening to podcasts.
- Matt. 24:36 (Berean Study Bible).
The Berean Study Bible is a modern English translation published with ease of use in mind. - J. William Feffer, “Prayer of the Examen: A history,” Being Disciples, June 30th, 2018, https://www.beingdisciples.com/prayer-of-the-examen-a-history/.
- George Fox, “Statement of 1656,” from The Works of George Fox, (Charleston: Nabu Press, 2011).
- “The Examen, A Way to Pray Each Day,” Jesuit Institute, http://jesuitinstitute.org/Resources/Examen%20Leaflet.pdf.
- “The Examen, A Daily Prayer,” jesuitresource.org of Xavier University, https://www.xavier.edu/jesuitresource/jesuit-a-z/terms-e/daily-examen.
- Feffer, “History.”