It is no exaggeration to say that I would not be a Christian today if it was not for Romans 7:15 and 19, in which none other than the Apostle Paul – chosen to be God’s instrument’1 chosen to bring the name of Jesus before Gentiles and kings and before the people of Israel; author of over half of the New Testament scriptures; arguably the most important Christian evangelist of all time – the apostle Paul confesses publicly and in writing:
15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. (NRSV)
In Paul’s confession, I have my ticket to the Kingdom; my assurance of pardon; assurance of God’s grace and power and infinite love that can save wretches like Paul and like me.
The miracle of scripture shines in the universal Truths it holds: Truths about struggle and despair as well as faith, hope, and love. Truths like: We do not understand our own actions. For we do not do what we want, but we do the very thing we hate. For we do not do the good we want, but the evil we do not want is what we do. Like Paul, all of humanity is in a dance of action and inaction resulting in good and evil and all their nuances.
Like Paul, we are sometimes drawn to commit sins of commission (sinning because of what we do) while other times we are more inclined toward sins of omission (sinning because of what we do not do). All of us – despite all good intentions; despite our deep faith – must admit that we have committed our share of both. True for Paul. True for us.
And Paul – being Paul – the rest of this passage in Romans goes on and on about why this is so. You can buy whole books and take whole classes on Paul’s ideas about sin and the law and grace. But I’m not going to focus on that. I am not going to focus on what causes sin, but on the interpersonal consequences of sin, what we are called to do about those consequences, and how.
Paul speaks to consequences when he says that “the wages of sin is death,”2 and typically what comes to mind is physical death as opposed to the resurrection life we share with Christ. We rarely consider the hard work of looking at the personal or, more specifically, the interpersonal consequences of sin. When Paul said, “I do not understand my own actions,” those actions that he hated most certainly caused harm toward another person or people. When he said, “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do,” I can’t think of anything Paul may or may not have done that would not have caused harm to a sibling in Christ or one of the people persecuting him or maybe some random person or people.
To be clear: Paul does not share any specifics about what actions he took that he “hated” or what good he left undone. But I don’t think we need to know exactly what Paul did or whom he harmed or how he made amends, in part because, frankly, that’s really none of our business, and also because what would have been “harm” 2000 years ago would likely not look like “harm” today, and certainly what would make things right 2000 years ago would not look like what makes things right today. Maybe that is why scripture is silent when it comes to outlining exactly what would help us repair harm as we walk the journey from confession and repentance to grace and forgiveness.
Sin causes harm, and that harm has interpersonal consequences. We all sin and stand in the need of grace, and we also stand in need of tools to repair the harm of sin. One tool is the apology. I would go so far as to say that if we do not learn and absorb and work at the art of apologizing, we are doomed to brokenness, not only in our family, work, friend, and church relationships but also our relationship with God.
In an interview with Brené Brown, Harriet Lerner, author of Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, makes a strong case when she asserts:
[T]he two words, “I’m sorry”, are the most important words in our language. We’re all connected, we all screw up, we’re all imperfect human beings, and for this reason, the need to give and receive apologies, will be with us until our very last breath. And when they’re done right, apologies are very healing, but when apologies are absent, or they go south, it will compromise a relationship, or it can lead to the end of a relationship. So apologizing is…central to everything we hold dear, to family, to marriage, to leadership, to parenting, to our ability to love ourselves and love other people. Apologizing is at the heart of it. 3
She goes on to share three important gifts of a heartfelt apology:4
- The gift to the other person, or the hurt party, because it releases them from resentment and self-righteousness. It allows them to feel safe, to feel comfortable to know that their pain affects us and we care enough to set things right. A heartfelt apology validates the hurt person’s sense of reality and acknowledges that what happened was truly a “thing.”
- A heartfelt apology is a gift to the self, to the apologizer. It might not feel that way. When we apologize we may feel small and vulnerable and, even fearful: Fearful that the other person won’t accept our apology, because we have no control over how an apology will be received. I might fear that my apology will unleash more anger or criticism, which often happens; or I fear that to apologize is to lose something, that it means giving up my edge to the other person and they will somehow use it against me.
To apologize is to confess that we are imperfect – that we screwed up – and that can be tough to do. This is where Paul is my hero, because he said out loud and in writing, that even he screwed up. He did the very things he did not want to do.
But while apologizing might not feel like a gift you give yourself, it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves because in the long term it fosters growth in maturity and self-worth. When I can see myself objectively, I can orient toward reality, I can take responsibility. This is the basis for good self-esteem and self-respect. So while I might fear losing respect – for example, many parents hesitate to apologize to their children out of fear that they will lose respect – the opposite is actually true: We gain more respect when we apologize well and when an apology is warranted. We grow in resilience and happiness and maturity and integrity.
Third, a heartfelt apology is finally a gift to the relationship because it provides healing to injury and repair to brokenness.
The storms of the past few years have left countless broken relationships in their wake: COVID + racial reckoning/white supremacy backlash + insurrection + mass shootings + the usual griefs and stressors. None of us are being our best selves. All of us have fallen short. Other than in cases of abuse or oppression, when there is brokenness it is rare that 100% is one party’s fault, and we need to take responsibility for our portion even if it is less than 50%. Co-dependency expert Marshall Burtcher suggests an apology is in order when…
- You’ve crossed a boundary you were unaware of.
- You violated an agreement you made with another.5
To apologize is to confess and repent of the portion that is ours to confess and repent of, even if it’s only a small percentage of the whole. And yet, most of us have no idea even where to begin. While Paul’s confession implies that at one time or another he surely did something to someone that would have warranted an apology, there is no example for us to follow of Paul ever apologizing, nor did he leave instructions. The Church of the Brethren resource For All Who Minister includes an “Order of Service for Reconciliation,”6 but it lacks an opportunity for participants to apologize: confess, repent, and repair harm. For true healing to occur, participants would do well to prepare for such a service ahead of time, using Harriet Lerner’s nine essential ingredients to a heartfelt apology as a guide:7
- A true apology does not include the word “but.” Whatever follows the “but” will be a criticism, a justification, or an excuse, which will negate everything else. This is probably the most challenging ingredient.
- A true apology keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response and feelings. Keep it to what you have said or done and not on the other person’s response. For example, “I apologize if forgetting to pay the money I owe upset you,” is not an apology. Instead say, “I apologize for forgetting to pay the money I owe you.”
- A good apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation, or a changed behavior moving forward. For example, “Here is all that I owe, plus interest.”
- A true apology does not overdo. Because, think about it, to go on and on can get to the point that the focus is all on you, or (worse) to the point that the hurt party is put in the position to comfort you.
- A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who is more to blame or who started it. Apologize for your part of the problem even if the other person can’t see their part. I know, this one is tough! Maybe this will help: If you have also been hurt, it is perfectly fine and necessary to share that in a later conversation, just not as part of your apology for your part. I’m trying to live into this quote from Harriet Lerner, “It’s just when the other person is being the biggest jerk that you’re called upon to be your best self.”8
- A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. Obviously, that was tough for Paul and it can be tough for us, but we must do our best.
- A true apology should not serve to silence another person. Because you have apologized does not mean you later get to dismiss the pain of wounds that have not yet healed. In other words, you don’t get to say, “I’ve said I’m sorry ten times, let’s not bring it up anymore!”
- A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. All apologies are not welcome. It’s not an apology if it’s to soothe you or assuage guilt.
- A true apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive. One does not ask for anything. It is about giving. Your primary intention is not to get something.
Be warned! A bad apology can be worse than no apology because it can deepen the injury. However, “an apology is not an end to the conversation. An apology is what de-intensifies the situation so two people can move forward.”9
Apologizing is an “art,” by which I mean that it is a creative process that requires nuance and shading and, frankly, discernment about whether an apology is even warranted. Art is as much about the spaces in a painting or the rests in a piece of music or the stillness in a dance as it is about colors or notes or movement, and so it is with apologizing. It is quite possible, even common, to over-apologize.
I might be disappointed that our picnic got rained out or say that it is unfortunate that we had to change plans, but I have no reason to apologize for the weather, given that I have no control over it. There’s no need to apologize for taking up space. That might sound ridiculous, but women especially do that all the time. In The Dance of Anger Harriet Lerner gives the example of a colleague who paused “on a ski slope to admire the view, only to be knocked down by a careless skier who apparently did not notice her. ‘I’m s-o-r-r-y,’ she reflexively yelled after him from her prone position as he whizzed on by.”10
There’s also no need to apologize for having a different opinion, even when a different opinion makes someone uncomfortable. I’m not advocating for rudeness or disrespect, and I am certainly not advocating for the expression of opinions that oppress or deny another’s right to exist in their full humanity. I am advocating for respectfully giving voice to our beliefs and preferences and needs, even when they are not in line with someone else’s. After all – and as much as I wish it wasn’t so – without discomfort there can be no growth. Getting unstuck from unhealthy habits and patterns often requires discomfort with no apology necessary.
Burtcher maintains there’s no need to apologize for:
- Taking up space
- Using resources for yourself
- Existing
- Expressing yourself
- Asking for something
- Asserting yourself
- Putting yourself first11
- Being different
- Disappointing others
Choosing what works for you
- For saying no
- For saying yes
- For being happy
- For being sad
- For being upset
- For having needs
- For having feelings
- For having wants
- For being
- For leaving toxic things
Finally, I would add: there is no need to apologize for putting God first. Biblical scholars have been puzzling for years about Jesus’ cleansing of the temple,12 especially in terms of how we are to apply Jesus’ actions in our own lives. Is it a matter of, “Do as Jesus says, and not as Jesus does?” Had Jesus just lost his cool? No. Our Lord and Savior, Example and Friend, Jesus the Christ healed and preached and died and rose again and ascended into heaven and some might say committed property crimes as a matter of protest against the economic and religious systems of his times, to the glory of God. Jesus always, always, always put God first, and no Christian I know would suggest that Jesus should have apologized for “crossing a boundary.” Neither, in all humility and after careful discernment, should we.
The challenge is not to rush up to everyone we need to apologize to or – worse- wait for everyone who needs to apologize to rush up to us, but to begin to consider the portion of brokenness that could be ours to repair, as well as our own wounds that need healing. This is hard work! It takes thoughtfulness and love and compassion and grace, and also time and energy and risk and vulnerability, as well as clearness about what relationships are worth all that effort.
One of the hard tasks before us in these days and months may very well be to assess what risks we are willing to take, what hard work we are willing to do, what skills we are willing to acquire, and how awkward we are willing to feel in order to heal injury and repair brokenness in the relationships that are worth the struggle: in our families, in our work, in our church.
May God’s Truth light our path.
May God’s strength empower us.
May God’s wisdom guide us.
Leslie Ann Billhimer Frye (she/her) is an ordained minister in the Church of the Brethren, a Kansas state-approved mentor mediator, and a restorative justice practitioner. She enjoys music, all aspects of creating tasty food, and cultivating.
- Acts 9:15.
- Romans 6:23.
- https://brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/ accessed 8/15/20, Part 1. Copied from transcript.
- Ibid. See also Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, Touchstone: NY, 2017, pp. 175-6.
- Free the Self website, “When are Apologies Appropriate?” https://freetheself.com/library/library/when-are-apologies-appropriate/ accessed May 27, 2022.
- For All Who Minister: A Worship Manual for the Church of the Brethren, Dundee, IL: Brethren Press, 1993, pp. 437-8.
- Described in https://brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/. See also https://brenebrown.com/art/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/ and Cindy Jobs, “Harriet Lerner: The Nine Ingredients of a Good Apology,” at https://www.cindyjobs.com/2020/05/19/harriet-lerner-the-nine-ingredients-of-a-good-apology/, May 19, 2020 accessed on May 31, 2022. All of these concepts and more are described in Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, Touchstone: NY, 2017.
- Brené Brown, Unlocking Us Podcast, “I’m Sorry: How to Apologize and Why It Matters, Part 1 of 2,” with Dr. Harriet Lerner,” May 6, 2020, accessed August 15, 2020 at https://brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/.
- Harriet Lerner in Brené Brown, Unlocking Us Podcast, “I’m Sorry: How to Apologize and Why It Matters, Part 1 of 2,” with Dr. Harriet Lerner,” May 6, 2020, accessed August 15, 2020 at https://brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/.
- Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, Perennial Currents: NY, 2001 Reprint, p. 125.
- I can already hear the objections to including “Putting yourself first” on the list. Aren’t Christians supposed to think of others first? To which I suggest a reframing: there is no need to apologize for taking care of yourself. After all, how else will you be able to take care of others? See also “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” not more than yourself. (Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 19:19; Matthew 22:39; Mark 12:31; Luke 10:27; Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8).
- Matthew 21:12-17; Mark 11:15-19; Luke 19:45-48; John 2:13-17.